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Girl Gone Wild

December 17, 2009
So, it’s day two of a game I didn’t even know I was playing the— “Let’s blog everyday” game.  It seems I do best at games that start without my knowledge—it’s probably a “doesn’t deal well with pressure” sort of thing.

Today’s subject: self-identification in a world full of really great and interesting things (or “I’m embarrassed that I ever went through THAT phase” things)!

I’ve noticed that the blog world (at least my introduction so far) seems to be filled with fantastic and attractive people who are good a using punctuation, as well as making and doing things (like posting regularly). These are people who take artistic photos like naps and decorate their homes with a Scandinavian influence. And, while I’ve try so hard to emulate these elegant folks, I’m still that girl who is going to bring home this creepy old medical simulation dummy.

It’s not for me of course (the dummy). I even mean that in a non-“I have this friend…” sort of way. Honestly. It’s a Christmas present.

And truthfully, if it were for me, it’s not something I could sustain interest in. I may not be a graceful blogger, but I’m equally not one of those people who are into creepy things. Not for lack of trying though. I can’t seem to make it work. Tim Burton, you’re ok, but if I never saw another one of your movies I wouldn’t feel as if I betrayed anyone.

And if by now you’re starting to wonder, “Is this rambling and disjointed prose going anywhere?” Rest assured. It is.

But first let me tell you a story.

When Kay (1) and I were 13 we went through a “gangsta” phase. I’d like to say that it culminated with the matching pairs of baby-blue camo pants we found in the discount bins at our local army surplus store but in reality it dragged out a little while longer.

Jammin’ 95.5 FM (2) had just come to P-Town and we thought Rap, R&B Soul, Hip-hop, and Slow-jams were the only musical genres worth considering (3). We stalked the Jammin’ Hummers (4) throughout Portland in our short shorts, were proud to be called hood-rats, and knew that we were “the shit”.

We did eventually get over it though, and while I still know all the words to “Wanna be a Balla”, it’s just nostalgic now (5).

So again, where is this going? I guess this is my comment on how hard I’ve tried to be so many different things and maybe my reflection upon the fact that I am definitely not the only person who has tried to “find themselves”. And no, I haven’t stopped trying. This is not one of those, “until I learned the greatest thing I could be… was myself” stories. Well, maybe it is. Maybe being me though, is being one of those people who really gets into other people’s things. I’d still love to dress like a quirky vintage-indie-style-princess (6) and to have the savoir faire and figure of a Japanese-French girl (at least the one that I idolize in my head).  I want to be crafty and a good cook and maybe get a PhD in something really esoteric (the nomadic patterns and pagan theological structures of native Inuit peoples?).  I know it’s annoying at times, to both those around me as well as myself but I’d like to hope that this trait sometimes it’s endearing too.

In the end though, I am what I am. And right now what I am is trying to figure out how this vase,  is going to fit into my sustainably built (7) Zen dreamhouse along with this kitchen table and this refrigerator (8). I.e. I’m still all over the place.

Oh dear.

1: Kay is my bestest buddy in whole wide world and my cousin
2: which is now Jammin’ 107.5  and which used to be the 107.5 the river (a favorite adult contemporary station)
3:  We still loved all that we were raised on, just secretly. For example, we confined our delighted in Ani and Tracy only allowing it to surface during those  horrible recesses known as “Family Occasions”.
4: We were 13. Get over it.
5: Yes I am aware of what this says about me. All of it.
6: Yes. Princess. And if you’re having trouble, think of Zoe…*pardon me while I get dreamy eyed*
7: Built and designed by Ethan and I of course!
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One Comment leave one →
  1. Shannon permalink
    February 4, 2010 5:58 am

    Beautiful, insightful blog. I’ve often referred to myself as the “sidekick of my own life.” And I think this feelings comes from the fact that I’m always into “other people’s things.” Not sure why this happens… but I’m sure it’s my way of finding myself/creating identity/etc. It’s just nice to know I’m not the only one. 🙂

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